Sunrise: reflections and insight

Today I awoke at 5:30 am feeling refreshed and recharged. Looking out the giant window as I lay in the comfortable bed, I was able to remain quiet and calm and go within. I have learned that I use music to help me focus and to restore my energy. Music is healing

Silence is golden

I often resist quiet meditation time. My sweet husband has reminded me often how important it is to have time in the quiet. I know that in theory and believe it. Yet, I have used excuses as to why I don’t do that. Who has time to sit and be quiet? For me, it isn’t even about the time. It’s more about my mind being so busy with thoughts, often anxiety, that I have needed music to quiet the inner turmoil in order to focus.

Time alone is essential

I have discovered many things about myself over the course of the past three days.

I enjoy:

Walks on the beach without a plan or time frame

Reading while in my beach chair at the water side as my chair slowly sinks deeper and the water rushes against me as the tide comes in

Walking along the boardwalk at sunset

Walking on the beach at sunrise, something I already knew

Watching people

Talking with random strangers and learning about their life

Having casual conversations with the employees at the pier store

Connecting with someone because she has a dog and is standing alone

I have learned these things that either I didn’t realize or had forgotten:

Talking to people gives me inspiration for writing

Having an adventure by myself makes me giggle and also gives me writing ideas

I really do not care what other people think about me

I enjoy video blogging, even if I’m not yet good at it

What is good enough?

I like order and having a plan

I also love spontaneity and the freedom to do whatever…

Drink from the carton with the refrigerator door open

Leave things messy and fall asleep without changing

It is really cool to sit on a bed and be able to view two televisions and to be able to watch two shows at once

And I don’t understand why anyone, even an actress in a movie, would cheat on Richard Gere!

Watching Harry Potter movies by myself is not nearly as fun as watching them with my kids.

Watching feel good, uplifting movies inspires me to write

Stepmom is an amazing movie and makes me cry,while sitting in my pink bath

When I am depressed, I don’t feel real sadness

Depression and sadness are two very different things

Being on the 20the floor with an entire side wall of windows, in the heart of Myrtle Beach and being able to view the city and the ocean, is…

THE MOST AMAZING GETAWAY that I could ever have asked for.

I plan to make this a yearly pilgrimage and I want this very room each time.

I will be happy with any room with a side view from the 20th floor, or the 19th, even the 17th would be high enough for a beautiful view, right?

I like consistency and the idea of coming back to this very room to have memories to inspire me to write even more.

I also love change and variety and know that I will be inspired to write from any floor of this building, yet being up high is the most amazing.

My fear of heights is also exhilarating…

Standing at the edge of the balcony looking out

Looking to the ocean doesn’t really bring fear, but when I turn for the city vie, that’s when my heart races and my chest tightens

Maybe there is a message in that

Or maybe my fear is more about falling into traffic and landing on concrete

I do have some claustrophobia discovered when standing on a narrow hallway with no windows, on the 20th floor of a glass building, and reading the sign that say, “in case of fire, use the stairs, brings scary things into my mind that I had to shut down immediately to enjoy myself.

And maybe that’s the difference with someone with obsessive compulsive disorder and myself. I have fears and even obsess over ideas somethings, yet I have the ability to shut down the thoughts quickly. I knew that OCD involved the inability to shut down irrational, unhelpful, scary thoughts. Yet thinking about standing in the hallway reading that sign and how easily I was able to shut the thought out AND how easily I was able to NOT let it stop me from enjoying myself. Sure, it entered my mind each time I saw it, but I quickly moved on and didn’t obsess about it when I wasn’t standing there next to the sign.

I am always amazed at the clarity writing brings me. I had no idea when I sat down to write that I would talk about the sign and discover insight into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an illness that invades my children’s lives.

We won’t be staying on the top floor next month when I bring my family to North Myrtle to celebrate my 50th birthday. And that is ok with me.

I will stop and listen better to them, knowing that sitting with the fear is what they need to do to overcome OCD, and also that they don’t have to sit with all their fears, especially when on vacation. There is a difference between their fears stopping us living our lives, and minimizing being in fearful situations so that they can relax and have an enjoyable time while on vacation.

I could sit here all day on this balcony.

It’s 7:30 am now and I just remembered I wanted to take a picture of the sunrise for this post.

I can leave today, knowing I can come back here with points and also without points.

I can stay longer next time.

I can leave here today, looking forward to coming back in three weeks with my family with the thought of all five, and hopefully six of us, will be together on the beach.

We have a tradition of family vacations at the beach and that is something they will take with them for the rest of their lives. And even after I am gone, they can come to the beach and think about me, remembering our time together.

I need to go home and find the pen drive with the journal entries I write for Jason’s journal. I have Harrison and Abbys’s on paper in my bedroom closet. I likely have more entries for them as well on those pen drives or stored somewhere on a computer.

My post had moved from inspiration to a to do list….

I will capture my picture of where I am now and move forward.

Sending Big Waves into Motion, releasing secrets

Relax, renew, rejuvenate and recharge, take 2.

I am at the beach all by myself. I have never done this before. I’ve been here for 6 hours and I am finally sitting down to write. It has taken me this long to settle in, move from the shock and excitement of actually being here, all by myself. And finally, focusing on here and now.

I texted and made videos and took pictures and FaceTimed my youngest, while exploring my room at the top of the resort building, while walking in the beach and pier. I felt kind of lonely when I got here. I always come to the beach with my kids or at least my husband. One time the two of us went, well, before kids, I guess we went several times. Who can remember 22 years ago before kids?

I have everything I need for my adventure, inspiring books, music, healthy and yummy food, drinks, did you know you can get wine in a can?

As I packed my bag to head to the beach to write, I realized that I forgot my Bluetooth key board that I use with my iPad. My iPad, has been my computer for a while now… years, I guess. Something else that I can’t quite remember.

I have a lap top, buried in books and papers on my desk. It is old and I used to use it often, but decided I liked my iPad much better.

I found myself responding to a post on a Facebook group, Unschooling Special Needs, earlier and it has inspired my writing today.

There are so many things I can write about. Yet, the concerns shared in the post on the Unschooling Special Needs group are so close to my heart and the reason my husband and I now have a business together helping families with challenges, especially those with anxiety issues and challenging behavior with their children.

I have Bipolar 2 Depression. My upswings, are hypomania, not full on mania (well, it can escalate to mania). Hypomania is great, highly focused, functioning and much energy! Yet, the downswing is like the riptide pulling you under the ocean water.

Helping my children with their struggles is extra challenging for me because of my struggles. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for my husband.

In three weeks I celebrate my 50th birthday. I am proud and excited to reach this milestone! Seriously, I am. With age, has common not only wisdom, but confidence, clarity, courage and healing.

I always make time to write when I have come to the beach with my family. I have wonderful memories being here with my family. And I also have memories of stress, anxiety, OCD flare ups, and the feeling of disappointment that we couldn’t just have a “normal family vacation” without the anxieties.

Here I am now, writing and also texting with my tech support son. I might have him help me locate a key pad. Typing on the iPad screen is slow.

It’s getting dark and the sound of the ocean is mesmerizing me.

When I was younger, I would never have gone somewhere like this by myself. The silence of being alone was challenging for me. I now cherish time to myself. I still love the sounds of people talking, and my music, Tom Petty and now Mary Lambert sing in my ear..which is even more beautiful with the sound of the ocean.

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)

Things I Have Learned From My Children.

I believe the children are our future.

I wrote the following post in June.

My oldest child has just turned 21.

Rereading this post has had an impact on me, especially the last 4 lines.

Many of the things I included here are things my children have said, sometimes paraphrased and sometimes not.

No matter how old they are, they will always be our children and no matter how young they are, they are our greatest teachers, if we stop and listen.

I believe the children are our are future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

I find beauty and truth in this song. I am familiar with Whitney Houston’s version yet my research found that it was written by Michael Masser and the late Linda Creed in 1976.

I believe the children are our future.

I also believe that I have learned far more from my children than I could ever teach them.

My children have reminded me of who I truly am.

Living alongside of them, I have found my way back to my true self.

It is a journey.

It is a process.

I know my children have helped me along my journey.

I believe our souls are connected.

On a spiritual level, we guide each other and have connections far beyond our current human condition.

I have learned many things from my children and I continue to learn more every day.

I have been a mother for more than 20 years and look forward to all I will continue to learn from my children throughout our current life time together.

Things I have learned from my children:

  • STOP, and slow down and pay attention to things around you
  • Reading together before bed is a good habit
  • Eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are tired
  • Hugs and kisses are good medicine
  • Laughter is the best medicine
  • Follow your passion
  • Be who you are and don’t apologize for it
  • Speak the truth, speak your truth
  • How we talk to people matters as much as what we say to them
  • Respect is a two-way street
  • If you love to dance, then dance as much as you can
  • Reading a great book is more fun when read along with a friend(s)
  • Satoshi Tajiri created Pokémon
  • Persistence is challenging to parents but is valued by employers
  • Hiking heals the soul
  • The view at the top of the mountain is worth climbing past the danger sign
  • The first time at the beach is the best time
  • Going to the beach is even more fun with children
  • Digging in the sand is calming and satisfying
  • Straws kill sea turtles
  • Don’t let people tell you that you can not hike 20 miles in one hike
  • If you love hiking, don’t allow people to convince you to be a swimmer or a biker
  • Learning to ride a bike is not required
  • School changes how you look at learning
  • Life experience is more meaningful than a college degree
  • Don’t waste your time trying to be something that you are not
  • Music speaks a multigenerational language
  • We can do anything we set our minds to
  • You can overcome severe anxiety and earn 2 gold medals in your first Tae Keon Do Tournament
  • You are more than your anxiety
  • You are more than your mental illness
  • You are more than any illness
  • You are not your illness
  • I have Bipolar Depression, I am NOT bipolar
  • People have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, they are NOT OCD
  • Mental illnesses are not adjectives
  • Being creative can be very messy
  • There is beauty is messy
  • Dogs love us unconditionally
  • Animals are people too
  • All lives matter
  • Climbing up the slide can be as much fun as going down the slide
  • There is always time for one more hug
  • Snuggle time is the best way to fall asleep and the best way to wake up
  • Relationships are more important than accomplishments
  • It is important to admit when you are wrong
  • Your biological age does not define who you are nor what you can do
  • Your biological gender does not define who you are or what you can do
  • Love is love
  • It is never too late
  • You are never too old
  • There is no set age to learn anything
  • We need to listen more and talk less
  • Our actions speak louder than our words
  • If we want to teach anything, than we need to be an example of what we want to teach
  • We teach what we most need to learn
  • Children are closer to God and often have far more wisdom than adults
  • Patience is the most important skill we need in parenting
  • We are energy
  • Our energy affects the people around us
  • We are creative beings
  • It does not matter how you hold your pencil
  • Not everyone draws a straight line first
  • You can learn to spell without any formal school and without spelling tests
  • You don’t need to go to school to learn to read and to write
  • If you force people to learn something, they might grow to hate it
  • If you allow people to learn what they are interested in, they will retain the information much longer than any required learning
  • Arielle is my daughter’s favorite Disney princess
  • Girls can like trucks and boys can like flowers
  • Children’s clothes are sadly gender stereotyping
  • Boys can be quiet, calm and focused and girls can be physical and tough
  • Children of the same gender, can be as different as children of different genders
  • Not all boys like to play with guns and wrestle with other boys
  • Some girls hate the color pink
  • Colors don’t have gender
  • The length of our hair does not define our gender but many people think that way
  • Theater and acting is a great way to learn many life skills
  • Theater brings people together
  • Theater thrives on diversity
  • Sometimes, life just sucks
  • Watching your father nearly die, can be as scary and frightening and troubling as having a parent who dies
  • When your guts tells you that your children will need support from a traumatic experience, listen to your gut
  • Trauma can be trapped inside of us for years and manifest different for different people
  • Being happy all the time is not realistic nor healthy
  • Being highly intelligent is as challenging in this world as having a lower than average IQ
  • Our children have knowledge and understanding far beyond their years
  • We are not born “blank slates”
  • Dogs are therapeutic
  • We can’t solve problems for our children
  • Our children are living their own lives
  • Patience is the most important skill we need as parents and in life
  • Take time for what is important
  • Decide what is important to you
  • Take a nap when your body is tired
  • You can make up your story as you go
  • You can change your mind about your favorite color
  • You can change your mind about many things
  • Walk barefoot sometimes
  • Go outside when it is snowing no matter what time of day it is
  • I love making snowmen
  • I am more committed to making a snowman than my children are
  • The best way to take care of my children, is to take care of myself
  • I am a better mother when I am writing and journaling
  • I am a better mother when I take time for myself, alone

I am more in touch with my true self now after being a mother for more than 20 years, then I have been in a long time. The last time I felt this in touch with myself, I was 11 or 12 years old.

Living life alongside my children and learning along with them, has been a large part of my journey back to myself.

I could write volumes on all I continue to learn from my children. I just need to remember to stop, listen, and pay attention to them.